10/11/09

What I regret the most,
Is that I broke your heart,
When you told me the other day,
I ask myself what have I became.

What's worse is that I didn't even realise,
What can be done?
Let me mend your broken heart,
Let me into your life once more.

I understand if you hate me,
If you wanna stab my heart a million times,
I guess I deserve it,
For breaking my baby's fragile heart.

Can we put everything that's happened behind us?
I know it's not easy but I'll help you,
Forget the painful things, keep the beautiful memories,
I just want you back into my lonely and empty life.

I'm not Shakespeare, not Elliot either,
But I hope that all the poems I wrote manage to touch you,
You said that you'll wait for 5 years and that's all,
If you keep your promise then I'll take it.

By that time, I hope that you'll still love me,
Hopefully more than 110%,
Am I being too wishful?
I hope not cause you're my life.

I know that deep down in your heart right now you still love me,
My fear is that I don't know how long it will stay like that,
Long distance is hard especially when we can't even call or see each other,
Please hang in there baby, I will come and get you when the time is right.

Tuesday, 20-10-09

It's gonna be 3 weeks since I've heard from him. He was back last Friday. But no messages, no shout-outs, no nothing. I guess it's really true that he's giving up huh? There is a few things I'm very sure. First, I'm on my own. I have to stand on my own. I have to endure everything alone. Second, I lost my life. I can't even concentrate in my exam. Halfway through and I'm crying in the examination hall. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, let alone study. I would say that it's the PERFECT time to die. Third, I still love him and he will be the first and last person I will ever love. I will wait for him. If I don't end up with him, then I'm staying single my whole life. Fourth, I'm angry. With him. Is he that weak? I he such a coward? What happened to the promise? 'I will wait for you' and such? I'm still waiting for him. Lastly, I'm on my way towards self-destruction. Twice I felt like vomiting today but I held it back in. All the time I feel so sad and hopeless. I just wish that he can hurry up and tell me that he has moved on so that I can kill myself. It's just so hard to take all this hell. Even if I'm in Australia, I won't be any better. I will do everything I've promised him. I won't drink alcohol when he's not around. I won't like any guys. I won't let any guys touch me. All those little bits that I've promised him. I just hope that he will wait for me. I also hope that I won't cry for all my other papers. I hope he comes to my HSC alumni night. I always wonder. Is he using my shawl? My perfume? Or even looking at the bottle I've given him? Or the lava lamp perhaps? I hope he didn't throw all that away. I hope he keeps and treasures them. I longed to be in his arms. To hug him, smell him and kiss him. Everywhere I go, there's always something or someone that reminds me of him. From my room window, I always look it the direction of Kedah. At least I think it's Kedah. The land's somewhere there, so far. I can't see him but I can feel him. When I can feel him, tears will start. I'll start asking myself. Why are you so weak? Don't you love me anymore? I'm still here right? I still love you, so stay with me. We can be together if we just believe and ahve faith. Be strong. Believe in us. I will wait for you. I've said so many sentences but can you hear them? I'm crying so much but can you see them? My love for you, can't you feel them? I'm angry and disappointed in him. Why must he give up? Why must he move on? Why? Is it because my parents said so? Or his parents perhaps? Or maybe people around us? I thought you want to stand on your feet. I thought you want to be strong, be firm. What the hell happened to you? Suddenly you're listening to those around you? Those who wants us apart and not those who wants us together? Well, there's one thing I'm very sure that you're totally not clear about, it's the fact that we're born for each other. We're meant to be together. Have you forgotten the song you've dedicated to me and ask me to listen to it everytime I'm sad or miss you? The first line itself says that "It's undeniable that we should be together". I'm so tired. I'm just afraid that I can't stand for 4 years, alone. Come back to me, won't you? I love you, forever and ever.

Poem II

Just a blink of an eye,
It has been two months,
Without you in my life,
I can't even laugh at puns.

Together we stand so tall,
But people around us hope we will fall,
From you I just need a call,
It heals my heart faster than shopping in a mall.

Hold me in your arms and never let me go,
Pull me in and give me your sweetest kiss,
Make me tingle from top to toe,
Only having you in my life, can give my bliss.

I will be far away next year,
But please don't shed a tear,
You need have no fear,
I am yours, your one and only dear.

When can I see you again, I really don't know,
But baby, let's just go with the flow,
The love we have is not for show,
We can have more fun by laying low.

xoxo,
otakubassist

Thursday, 15-10-09

it's just a day since I knew that he wants to give up on us. He wants to move on. 'It's time', it seems to him. It's jumt a day and I feel so terrible. I can no longer stop my tears, my emotions and my feelings. What happened to the promise he made me? I'm not angry that he decided to break his promise. I'm angry at my parents. People said that mom and dad 'saved' me from hell but I think they sent me there and now, I'm suffering. It wouldn't hurt so terribly bad if he and I just broke up naturally, like get angry or mutual decision. But they just had to separate us by force, blackmailing and threats. They said they are older, more experienced but I think they are just bloody stupid. That is one of the many things I hate about them. Them always care about their 'face', ego and dignity. Now, I can't help it. The blame's on them. If they didn't break us up, he wouldn't be giving up on us now. Call me young or stupid or foolish or inexperienced, but even a baby would know if the love we had as true or not. I don't bloody care about anything else anymore, not my education, not my health, not my family and not even my future. A lawyer? Screw it! I don't want to be a lawyer if I'm not with him. If I'm with him, by all means, I can be chemical engineer! Everytime I cry, I don't feel like crying. I feel like wailing and screaming and just killing someone. Committing suicide? Thought of it a million times but decided not to do it after I met him. He literally saved my life. After I lost him, committing suicide is not a bad idea at all. But I wouldn't do it. Cause if I do it, my mom will put the blame on him and will definitely send people to do something to him. I don't know what. Maybe break his leg? Dig and eyeball out? Maybe chopping off his hands. I'm not surprised if she did it. I mean that was what made me decided that I had absolutely no choice but to break up with him. To save him. I had to do it. Even if it means we're not together anymore. In the future, I'm definitely going back to him, into his arms. But now, I can't. i bloody can't. Because he decided to give up. Now, I've literally lost everything. I can't study. I hate my family and I've lost him. I guess it's a very appropriate time to commit suicide huh? Yes, I would say but I'm not doing it just yet. Funny it is, he is still the one keeping me alive. I just saw that he wrote on Facebook that he want to move on and give up and he doesn't care anymore. How far it's true? I don't know and3I'm living on that. I still have hope and faith in us. I prayed to God everyday. Sure, he comforts me but it only last half an hour, max. Then I would start crying again. Today was a bit different. Not any better though. Now, I have a nauseating feeling. I wanted so badly, to put my finger into my mouth and just provoke my throat so that I can vomit. I didn't do it though. It was unhealthy, almost like I was suffering from anorexia. I can't wait til I graduate from uni. The moment I graduate, I'm definitely staying in Australia or somewhere else. Somewhere that's far, far away from Ipoh. Screw my family. I'd rather live without them. My first brother? Maybe I'll still keep in touch but there's still this anger and betrayal feeling in me. I know it's not his fault but I just can't help it. I'm sorry. My dad. I don't know. If I go back, he'll be angry but if I don't, he'll be sad. I'll think about it later. The other two? Fuck them. I hope they die suffering through hell twice first. They're bloody fucking bitches. Dumbass mother fuckers. Jackasses. Whores. I just feel so bad for Jac and Ken. They don't know the real truth. They thought I've moved on, but that is clearly impossible. I'll tell them, maybe. But it'll definitely be after our finals and prolly alumni night too. Come to think of it, this year's birthday is going to be the saddest one for me. I just want to run away, stay somewhere to calm myself. But I can't do it. Again, that bitch would call up the police and have him behind bars. What should I do? What can I do? I can only wait and cry and suffer alone.

Poem I

Words from Marie Digby,
Sunk deep inside me,
My love has a high fee,
But I know that hasn't gotta be.

Everyday I pray and plea,
For God to set us free,
To another place I wanna flee,
If I can't then please drown me in the sea.

Everything I'd rather lose,
I can drink litres of booze,
Call me stupid, call me a goose,
But it's him that I choose.

At times he tears my heart pieces apart,
Life then is stinkier than fart,
But in his eyes, I'm the only tart,
And he's the one who owns my heart.

Every Thursday, we used to date,
But now we can only call each other 'mate',
When time comes, I'll cast my bait,
Just to get you back, I'll even go against fate.

In your exercise books,
I wrote small, sweet notes,
They may be cliche quotes,
But none of them are jokes.