Thursday, 15-10-09

it's just a day since I knew that he wants to give up on us. He wants to move on. 'It's time', it seems to him. It's jumt a day and I feel so terrible. I can no longer stop my tears, my emotions and my feelings. What happened to the promise he made me? I'm not angry that he decided to break his promise. I'm angry at my parents. People said that mom and dad 'saved' me from hell but I think they sent me there and now, I'm suffering. It wouldn't hurt so terribly bad if he and I just broke up naturally, like get angry or mutual decision. But they just had to separate us by force, blackmailing and threats. They said they are older, more experienced but I think they are just bloody stupid. That is one of the many things I hate about them. Them always care about their 'face', ego and dignity. Now, I can't help it. The blame's on them. If they didn't break us up, he wouldn't be giving up on us now. Call me young or stupid or foolish or inexperienced, but even a baby would know if the love we had as true or not. I don't bloody care about anything else anymore, not my education, not my health, not my family and not even my future. A lawyer? Screw it! I don't want to be a lawyer if I'm not with him. If I'm with him, by all means, I can be chemical engineer! Everytime I cry, I don't feel like crying. I feel like wailing and screaming and just killing someone. Committing suicide? Thought of it a million times but decided not to do it after I met him. He literally saved my life. After I lost him, committing suicide is not a bad idea at all. But I wouldn't do it. Cause if I do it, my mom will put the blame on him and will definitely send people to do something to him. I don't know what. Maybe break his leg? Dig and eyeball out? Maybe chopping off his hands. I'm not surprised if she did it. I mean that was what made me decided that I had absolutely no choice but to break up with him. To save him. I had to do it. Even if it means we're not together anymore. In the future, I'm definitely going back to him, into his arms. But now, I can't. i bloody can't. Because he decided to give up. Now, I've literally lost everything. I can't study. I hate my family and I've lost him. I guess it's a very appropriate time to commit suicide huh? Yes, I would say but I'm not doing it just yet. Funny it is, he is still the one keeping me alive. I just saw that he wrote on Facebook that he want to move on and give up and he doesn't care anymore. How far it's true? I don't know and3I'm living on that. I still have hope and faith in us. I prayed to God everyday. Sure, he comforts me but it only last half an hour, max. Then I would start crying again. Today was a bit different. Not any better though. Now, I have a nauseating feeling. I wanted so badly, to put my finger into my mouth and just provoke my throat so that I can vomit. I didn't do it though. It was unhealthy, almost like I was suffering from anorexia. I can't wait til I graduate from uni. The moment I graduate, I'm definitely staying in Australia or somewhere else. Somewhere that's far, far away from Ipoh. Screw my family. I'd rather live without them. My first brother? Maybe I'll still keep in touch but there's still this anger and betrayal feeling in me. I know it's not his fault but I just can't help it. I'm sorry. My dad. I don't know. If I go back, he'll be angry but if I don't, he'll be sad. I'll think about it later. The other two? Fuck them. I hope they die suffering through hell twice first. They're bloody fucking bitches. Dumbass mother fuckers. Jackasses. Whores. I just feel so bad for Jac and Ken. They don't know the real truth. They thought I've moved on, but that is clearly impossible. I'll tell them, maybe. But it'll definitely be after our finals and prolly alumni night too. Come to think of it, this year's birthday is going to be the saddest one for me. I just want to run away, stay somewhere to calm myself. But I can't do it. Again, that bitch would call up the police and have him behind bars. What should I do? What can I do? I can only wait and cry and suffer alone.