Tuesday, 20-10-09

It's gonna be 3 weeks since I've heard from him. He was back last Friday. But no messages, no shout-outs, no nothing. I guess it's really true that he's giving up huh? There is a few things I'm very sure. First, I'm on my own. I have to stand on my own. I have to endure everything alone. Second, I lost my life. I can't even concentrate in my exam. Halfway through and I'm crying in the examination hall. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, let alone study. I would say that it's the PERFECT time to die. Third, I still love him and he will be the first and last person I will ever love. I will wait for him. If I don't end up with him, then I'm staying single my whole life. Fourth, I'm angry. With him. Is he that weak? I he such a coward? What happened to the promise? 'I will wait for you' and such? I'm still waiting for him. Lastly, I'm on my way towards self-destruction. Twice I felt like vomiting today but I held it back in. All the time I feel so sad and hopeless. I just wish that he can hurry up and tell me that he has moved on so that I can kill myself. It's just so hard to take all this hell. Even if I'm in Australia, I won't be any better. I will do everything I've promised him. I won't drink alcohol when he's not around. I won't like any guys. I won't let any guys touch me. All those little bits that I've promised him. I just hope that he will wait for me. I also hope that I won't cry for all my other papers. I hope he comes to my HSC alumni night. I always wonder. Is he using my shawl? My perfume? Or even looking at the bottle I've given him? Or the lava lamp perhaps? I hope he didn't throw all that away. I hope he keeps and treasures them. I longed to be in his arms. To hug him, smell him and kiss him. Everywhere I go, there's always something or someone that reminds me of him. From my room window, I always look it the direction of Kedah. At least I think it's Kedah. The land's somewhere there, so far. I can't see him but I can feel him. When I can feel him, tears will start. I'll start asking myself. Why are you so weak? Don't you love me anymore? I'm still here right? I still love you, so stay with me. We can be together if we just believe and ahve faith. Be strong. Believe in us. I will wait for you. I've said so many sentences but can you hear them? I'm crying so much but can you see them? My love for you, can't you feel them? I'm angry and disappointed in him. Why must he give up? Why must he move on? Why? Is it because my parents said so? Or his parents perhaps? Or maybe people around us? I thought you want to stand on your feet. I thought you want to be strong, be firm. What the hell happened to you? Suddenly you're listening to those around you? Those who wants us apart and not those who wants us together? Well, there's one thing I'm very sure that you're totally not clear about, it's the fact that we're born for each other. We're meant to be together. Have you forgotten the song you've dedicated to me and ask me to listen to it everytime I'm sad or miss you? The first line itself says that "It's undeniable that we should be together". I'm so tired. I'm just afraid that I can't stand for 4 years, alone. Come back to me, won't you? I love you, forever and ever.