You wake up in the morning and you think that you're already better than the day before. Now that's a real lie. Your condition never give way to improvement. What you feel is merely an illusion of "wanting to be okay". You met a friend who support what you're doing but when you tell him that you have been crying at night, he takes a detour immediately. You expected him to continue to support you but your hopes were crushed, as if like you're not crushed enough. Your friend tells you that the guy you're desperate for is not someone who's worthy of your tears. What does he expect? You love him more than a mother can love her baby. Anger and disappointment blows to you like you've been splashed with acid, except at this point, you'd rather be burnt by acid. His response caught you off guard. Your tongue is too shocked to say words of defense. In your mind, you're screaming "Don't say that about him! He's worthy of everything!" But later, you find yourself thinking whether your friend is telling you the right thing. The agony you're feeling makes you feel weak and the advice supports the idea of giving up and moving on. Sadly, there's nothing you can do. You're absolutely lost even though everybody's giving you advices. You want to give up but you can feel that there's still hope and faith in you. Your sixth sense keeps telling you that the time when he will come back to you is just around the corner. When the though of moving on crosses the subconscious part of your brain, you break down immediately, unable to control your facade. Yet, you want to be strong and hold on. Hold on just cause the annoying reminder in your heart and mind keeps on telling you to do that with a reason you can't object to, that he's gonna come back. How many times have you been through this? Surprisingly, you're not tired of it. In fact, you want more. It cures you temporarily, your own personal addictive medicine. You're so broken that you'd grab every moment of assurance and contentment you can get. Like a glimpse of the stairway to heaven.
xoxo,
otakubassist
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