Another day greets you. You reply with uninterested boredom. Things that didn't mattered much stayed unchanged. You're still alone, stuck with the people you hate most in the world. But outside of that, you've bumped into a close friend. You tell him what you're going through. He tells you the same things everybody tells you. That he's been through it, you'll get through this, you'll move on eventually, you'll be all right. Etcetera, etcetera. The same lies. The same unpromising promises. The same so-called 'words of comfort'. You got tired of all this a long time ago. You shut it all out eons ago, believing none. Regardless, there's an exception to everyone. You say that all of those are hardly trustable. Yet, you will accept them if people tell you that he's gonna come back to you soon or 'be strong, patience will be rewarded'. Right now, you want to hear things that you want to hear. It's childish and immature and naive and selfish, but it's better than the thought of giving him up. Your friend tells you that if you move on, think of it as respecting him. It's not that you don't respect him or you don't want to respect him but why not go for a compromise? Unfortunately, your idea of compromise is that he comes back to you and love you forever. That sounds more like an order. Why must God make it so hard for you? Or should it be Allah? You can give anything away just to be with him but why isn't it happening? You even though of not getting back together with him, like setting a bird free from its cage. If that's the case, you would rather end your life. You prayed that He will give you an incurable disease which will eat you up at an alarming speed. You prayed that you'll get killed in a car accident. You prayed to Him, asking Him to give your life to one of the victims in Haiti. At least you're bringing someone back to life. Probably someone who wants to live or someone who would do great things if they were alive. Anything. Absolutely anything. But you only hope in vain. You'll have to go through this hell all the way, not knowing whether you survive or win and get the prize you'd trade anything for.
When you tell people that you're broken, you didn't mean it metaphorically. You take the literal meaning of that word seriously. You're torn, sitting on a fence between everything. You wanna give up but you wanna hold on. You wanna kill yourself but you want to live because of hope. You separated between everything. Not only that, you feel like you've never regretted so many things in your life before. It all started when you guys broke up. Even the choice of breaking up was a regret.Your first true regret. Since then, all your decisions and choices go haywire. You regret not messaging him. You regret not leaving the house when your mom was kicking you out. You regret not shouting at your parents with reasons and emotions. You regret crying when you're on the phone with him. So many regrets within such a short time. You're not only broken, but on your way to self-destruction.
You're going to university, something most people would die for. Now, you can't do anything. You don't wanna walk away because it's education. He won't take you in too because he wants you to have an education first. Also, cause you're only 19. Even if he welcomes you, maybe his parents won't. He won't take you in when he's heard that your parents threw you out of the house. You can't argue with him. He's caring and thoughtful and with a conscience. You wonder why the hell your parents reject him. Besides the fact that you're in love with him unconditionally and irrevocably, he's a good person, a devout follower, a filial son, a loving brother, a trustworthy friend and the best boyfriend anyone can have, let alone if he's your husband. How long can you keep up with this, you wonder. As long as you can take, of course. But your memory doesn't allow that. You're only human. You're living with fear. You're afraid that one day, you won't remember how beautiful he looks like or how nice he smells like or how warm and comfortable his hugs were. Things he gave you, they serve a purpose. To remind you of the good times with him, that you were his and he was yours. With a mother like yours, who needs enemies? She threw away every single thing he gave you. Bracelets, necklaces, letters, movie tickets, clothes. That's not all. She was professional and smart, unfortunately. She went threw all your stuff. Your phone, your messages, your email, your Facebook, your laptop. She deleted all the pictures, videos, poems, well, everything about him. How can you live with all that? It's not your fault that you want her dead so badly.
xoxo,
otakubassist
... wow. just, wow.
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