To My Beloved Baby, I'm Sorry

Dear baby, today is a Tuesday and it's 2nd of June 2009. Yesterday you told me bout the letter your ex wrote to you ever since the day you broke up with her. It was a total of 55 letters. I was in the canteen when I read the first letter she wrote. When I read the second letter, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like crying there. That's why I stopped and lied to you saying that I wanted to go surf the internet instead. I didn't want to cry in front of you as you don't like me crying and it hurts you when I do so.

But after that moment, I felt sad and dejected. You kept telling everyone about those letters. It made me feel bad. It made me feel like I don't deserve you at all. When you were talking about all those letters she wrote for you, you sound like you're really proud of her and it sounds like she's the better one. I told all this to Raymond and he comforted me. I felt better.

Then you called when I was having my dinner. I was happy cause it's always the case when I get your calls. You wanted me to sleep in my room cause we can have more privacy when we talked. Because of that, I purposely stayed longer in my room just to talk to you before going to Jac's room to sleep. Did you know that Jac was actually sad and I wanted to be there to comfort her? When I went to her room, she's already sleeping. When we talked on the phone, you keep asking me to do things that I have been refusing ever since the beginning. Why can't you understand that I really can't bring myself to do it? Then you merajuk just because I didn't do as you say.

We hung up and I went to Jac's room to sleep. As I was getting ready to sleep, I was anxious to receive your sms but sadly, none. I thought you were really angry and I decided to wish you. I sent the message but I didn't get any reply. Because of that, I purposely put my phone beside me so that when you reply, I can immediately read it. I cried because I was scared to loose you. All those thoughts of loosing you flushed through my mind. I couldn't stop crying but gradually, I was gettin more and more tired and I felt asleep. But you called at 12.30am. I woke up instantaneously and picked up your call. You said that you were glad to get my message. You sounded so happy on the phone. I was smilling while talking on the phone with you. Then after we hung up, I slept soundly.

This morning when I woke up, I really wanted to hear your voice. That's why even though I know that you're sleeping, I had to wake you up to hear your voice. You answered my call and it everything felt right. I felt the energy rushing from the inside of me, carrying me out of bed and into a busy day. We smsed as usual even during my classes. Then I told you bout my plans this evening. I said that I can only see you either 7pm or 8pm. Did you know what you replied was really hurtful? You said "Den dun see la...See for 15 mins might as well dun see". Then I replied by saying "Can you stop being so immature? You think I dun wanna spend time with you?". The next message really sent a pang in my heart. You replied, "Hana...you busy rite? Go busy la. Luan." I was mad at you. You always say that I understand you. Why can't you understand me at least once?

After that I didn't reply all your messages until you top up for me. I was still a bit mad at you. I was thinkin if I should not be mad at you. I couldn't concentrate in my classes. I was happy that my classes are finally ending and I can go to the canteen so that I can see you. But when I was at the canteen, I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you or even look at you. Sometimes after I get angry with you, I find it hard to talk to you again. Then I purposely went to JY's room so that maybe you would come to his room and find me. Thenyou messaged Jac. She told me bout your messages.

What really broke my heart is that you were actually not in the mood. You told Jac that you were afraid that there was something wrong with your heart. At that moment, my mind stopped working. You were actually having all this in your mind when I was acting so selfishly. Then I start to think. I actually did realise that you were breathing harder than normal and your heartbeat is always so fast. I was really worried. In JY's room, I cried in front of Lena and JY. It was because of guilt and worry. What if something is wrong with you? What if one day you leave me? I really love you and I hope you will never forget that. No matter how angry am I with you, I still love you. I can't stand being angry with you for long.

Then Lena and Chia Chuin came back from their date. When Lena entered the room, I just couldn't hold back any longer. Lena asked me how was I. I burst out crying and she lent me her shoulder for me to cry on. She gave me a hug but it didn't really comforted me much. What I need is your forgiveness. Then Raymond Raj came into the room, everyone left the room to give us some privacy. He was really worried about me and he begged me to stop crying. He comforted me and we had to leave the room because they said that the warden is doing a spot check.

Then we went to the area outside the office. You called Lena's number and we talked. You were having difficulties breathing. We were talking on the phone and we talked things out. You kept on apologising. We finally talk things out and I was smiling from ear to ear when I talked to you on the phone. Lena was glad and happy that I finally smiled after crying for 3 hours. I went to my room and we continued talking on the phone. Then I went to Jac's room to sleep but we were still talking on the phone. Gradually, I was getting more and more tired. So, we decided to hang up even though you wanted me to put down the phone after I slept. Sorry baby, the phone charger wyre isn't long enough. Hehe. Then I slept instantly when I lie down on the bed. It was the first night that I slept soundly after such a long time.

I'm really sorry for making you worried baby. I'm sorry for all the things that I have done. I hope that you'll forgive me and I promise that there will not be a next time.

I love you baby. Nucy nucy. Hughug.

Muax,
otakubassist